1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,320
Is that my anchovy pizza? What have
you got to say for yourselves?

2
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,960
We could do with some chilli oil.

3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,120
Whoa!

4
00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:09,720
When did you two become
a married couple?

5
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,360
What? We're not a...  Married couple.

6
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:13,600
Do you want a cup of tea?

7
00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:19,640
Because, as I've already mentioned,
now my career is skyrocketing.

8
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:22,800
What's that?  Divorce papers.
Whenever I want him to sign,

9
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,400
every time he runs away.

10
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,640
This is my publisher.

11
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,920
Hi. Nigel.  Nigel.

12
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,960
I love the play on the word "gay."

13
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,400
No, that's a typo of my name.

14
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:34,960
Hello, everyone.

15
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:39,720
My name is Guy Harvey and I am
the writer of Lessons In Love,

16
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,080
a case study of modern
relationships.

17
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,280
Now, you may ask,
"What is a modern relationship?"

18
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:46,760
Well, I wouldn't know

19
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,080
because I've never been able
to hold one down.

20
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,320
MUTTERING:  That's terrible.
That's not going to work.

21
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,200
That's such a terrible speech.

22
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,440
MUTTERING:  OK. Hello. Case
studies...

23
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,400
Not today, Guy, not today.

24
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,080
Hello? Hey!

25
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,080
How's it going? Hello there.
My name is Guy Harvey.

26
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:14,520


27
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:19,520

My poor old head is a-reelin'

28
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:23,560

the funnel of love

29
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,760

falling down, down, down

30
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,680


31
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,880

and around

32
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,200

the funnel of love

33
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:43,440


34
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,320


35
00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:59,760
Oh, my God, I love car insurance.
Thank you.  Thank you.

36
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,600
Mm! Mm!

37
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:08,640
Oi! Oi, excuse me.

38
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,840
Welcome to Guy's
book launch. He's not a fascist.

39
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,760
Welcome to Guy's book launch.
He's not a fascist.

40
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,240
Welcome to Guy's
book launch. He's not a fascist.

41
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:26,320
Uh, hey.  Hey, that is an outfit.
Thanks.

42
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,480
I'm in mourning.
Mourning? For what?

43
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,760
We need to talk.
About your hat? It's lovely.

44
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,480
About what happened.

45
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,560
What? Sorry?  What?
Oh, Jamma's calling me, so...

46
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,680
Is he?  ..I've got to go.  Is he?
Yeah, I'm coming!

47
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,440
I'm just talking to...  He's not
looking this way.

48
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:43,720
So impatient!

49
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,760
What?  Did you see that?  Hmm?  Guy.

50
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,800
I think he's feeling anxious.
Oh, my God!

51
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,240
Jamma, are you thinking
about someone that isn't yourself?

52
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:10,200
I guess.  Ooh, this is what happens
when you deal with your shit.

53
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,480
Yeah, but now I can see all
his shit.

54
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,480
Yeah, it's called empathy.
I don't like it.

55
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,600
No, it's not very nice,
but it's really good.  Yeah?

56
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,200
Welcome to adulthood, Jamal.

57
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,280
Huh!

58
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,560
Divorce papers, signed.

59
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,200
I'm not a coward mouse.

60
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,080
Oh.

61
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:39,960
Well done. You passed the test.

62
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,160
Terms and conditions
of our remarriage.

63
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:50,240
You need to sign.

64
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:57,000
Oh, no! No, Saif! Saif! Come back,
you coward mouse!

65
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,720
You can make it out to Jamma.

66
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,360
Gemma?  Yeah, Gemma. Gemma Collins.

67
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,640
QUIETLY:  To Gemma.

68
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,920
You OK? You seem nervous.  Really?
How can you tell?

69
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,600
I'm an empath now.  It's just I'm not
really good at public speaking

70
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,040
and, um, I've got to introduce
a book,

71
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:18,160
and I don't know what to say
and I'm going to have to improvise.

72
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,880
Oh, well, you look damn sexy in a
suit.

73
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:26,400
And that's the main thing.  Is it?
Oi, I've got your back today, OK?

74
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,400
Nothing's going to go wrong,
all right?

75
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:32,080
Guy? Uh, Guy, something's gone
wrong.  Oh!

76
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:36,080
What is he doing here?  My job.
Oh, how convenient!

77
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,560
You need to see this. Now.

78
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,960
PIPE ORGAN PLAYS

79
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,120
Why does it look like a wedding?

80
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,960
It's been double booked.  Oh, what?!
You must be the groom.

81
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,320
No, I'm the author.
Cold feet are natural.

82
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:52,400
No, I'm not getting married.

83
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,320
That's what I said on
my wedding day!

84
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,400
No, it's not my wedding day.
It's OK, Guy.

85
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,520
I'm going to fix this for you.
All right, Nigel!

86
00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,920
Let's just keep it professional.

87
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,640
I spent £800 on a profiterole tower,
a grand on...

88
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,120
I think that's the other booking.

89
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:06,840
All right, let's just go over to
them, talk to them,

90
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,520
find a solution.  I think we should
just go over

91
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,000
to them and talk to them
and find a solution.

92
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,240
Well, that's a good idea.
I literally just said that!

93
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,440
Hi. Hi, there. Sorry to interrupt.
I think there seems to have been

94
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,640
some kind of misunderstanding.
Yes, there is.

95
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,120
My daughter's wedding is littered
with all this self-help crap.

96
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:22,520
I think it looks quite nice.

97
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:25,640
You two.

98
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,080
They've done this on purpose.
Is this your idea of revenge?

99
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,400
Look, there is a misunderstanding.
I'm an author.

100
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,280
I don't give a fuck
if you're an astronaut.

101
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:39,320
Sorry. Do you know each other?
These two muppets stole my pizza.

102
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:40,400
You stole his pizza?

103
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,760
That doesn't ring any bells.
I've never eaten pizza in my life.

104
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,720
Why did you steal his pizza?
Why would you steal a pizza?

105
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,320
OK, listen, we haven't got time for
this.  No, no, he's right.

106
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,000
We've got press arriving any minute.

107
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:55,200
A wedding beats a book club.
Marriage is a patriarchal construct.

108
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,600
I'm not cancelling my
daughter's wedding

109
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,920
for some woke book
about emotional men.

110
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,240
Oh, someone's had a browse.
Men do not get emotional!

111
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,200
OK.  I'll handle this.

112
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,800
Car insurance driving you mad?

113
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,400
The best journeys
are worth protecting.

114
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,720
What is she talking about?  Yeah,
thanks, Farida. Thanks so much.

115
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,160
Thank you.

116
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:29,720
Why don't we just do both?
I've got it.

117
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,920
We'll do both.
Oh, that is a great idea.

118
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,160
My idea.  The room's booked
for two hours.

119
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,920
We'll do an hour each.  Wow.
I was literally about to say that.

120
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,720
What makes you think
I'm going to share?

121
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,360
One of you will get a full refund.

122
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,120
We go first. I get the refund.

123
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,960
Fantastic. Clever man.
Yeah, no, wait, I did say it.

124
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,680
Very impressive.  Well done,
Nigel.  Thank you, Nigel.

125
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,720
Hi. Just on the left.  Thank you.

126
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,720
Welcome. Bridegroom or author?

127
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,920
Eve Carlisle from the Guardian.

128
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,600
Well, then, welcome to Guy Harvey's
interactive

129
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,600
wedding-themed book launch.

130
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,040
Thank you.  That's not for you.

131
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:27,520
That's part of the interactive
experience.

132
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,320
How's the intro going?
Um, uh, no, it's good, I think.

133
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:31,480
Um, listen to this.  Yeah.

134
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,400
Uh, a life without therapy is
like a fish out of water -

135
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,880
"unso-fish-ticated."

136
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,240
What?  It's a play on the word
"fish," isn't it?

137
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,040
It's like an icebreaker,
just to get people on side.

138
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,960
Oh, yeah. Good. Yeah.  Great.
Uh, what else have you got?

139
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,240
I mean, I've got plenty of other

140
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:51,000
little fish...little fish bits,
but...  Maybe skip that.

141
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,440
You think? Skip the fish?
Well, yeah.  That's fine. Um, well,

142
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,600
I haven't got anything else,
so... Oh, fuck!  No, no.

143
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,320
Don't panic. Listen, we've got time.
What do I do?

144
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,600
I need a speech, Jamma.  We'll write
it now. We've got time.

145
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,960
Hi.  Hi, hi.  Let's write it.
Erm, the bride's gone missing.

146
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,560
What?  No-one knows where she is
and the groom is shitting himself.

147
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:07,920
CONTROLLED BREATHING

148
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,440
It's not a Pilates class.
Please give me a break.

149
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,440
We need to start this wedding now.
Look, the journalists won't stay

150
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,160
past the hour.  The bride has gone
missing, Nigel.

151
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,880
Oh, this is unbelievable.

152
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,280
All right, Negative Nigel.

153
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,160
Gosh, he loves a crisis, innit,
this one?

154
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,120
Right. I say we all muck in and just
find the bride.

155
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,880
I think we should all muck in
and find the bride.

156
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,200
That's a really good idea.  That's
a good idea.  OK, OK!

157
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,800
OK, that's it!
I know what you're doing.

158
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,080
What?  Wiggling your way

159
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,400
in between me and Guy.
I'm sorry, I don't follow.

160
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,560
I bet you don't swallow.
What?  What? Sorry.

161
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,320
I thought you said something else.

162
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,200
Saif!

163
00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,920
Oh!
FARIDA EXCLAIMS

164
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,080
Saif! Saif! Saif!  Bride?

165
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,760
Winnie!  Shit!

166
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,200
Have you seen the bride?
Have you seen Winnie?

167
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,240
Open the door!

168
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:16,720
SCREAMING

169
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:20,240
What was that?  Toilet!
Come on!

170
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:21,880
SHE SCREAMS

171
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,840
Oh!  Oh!

172
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:37,080
You can't run away from your
problems like this, babe.

173
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,960
Winnie, why do you keep running
away from me?  Shit!

174
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,000
What the fuck happened to my
profiteroles?

175
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,080
No. No, no, no. It wasn't...
Come here!  No, it wasn't me.

176
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,640
Oh, God! No!

177
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,240
Can we just talk, please?  No.

178
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,000
I'm trying to save this girl's
wedding day, Isaac.

179
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,480
I found the bride.  Who even are you?

180
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,480
Maybe you should tell her that
hiding in a toilet

181
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,480
is not going to help.
I wasn't hiding.

182
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,320
Maybe you'd rather hide
in the toilet

183
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,120
than lose your best friend over
a stupid kiss

184
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,640
that didn't even happen.
Wait. Hold on. What?

185
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,040
What?  I thought  I  was your best
friend?

186
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:14,800
OK, guys, we're losing track here.
Guy's right, we need to find Saif.

187
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,840
No, no, that's not what I meant.
Are you the woman from

188
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,120
the car insurance ad?  Yes.

189
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:21,960
OK, can we just focus here? Yeah.

190
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,640
We really need you
to get married now.

191
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,720
Yeah. Why don't you just tell
us what's causing you doubts?

192
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,280
I wasn't having doubts.
I was having a shit.

193
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,600
Oh.  Oh.  Oh, right,
so you weren't hiding?

194
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,120
I was hiding to have a shit.

195
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,640
Oh, to have a shit.  So sorry.
Right. Yes.

196
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,840
Great, great.  Just finish up.
Just wipe it up.

197
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,320
Come on. Let's go get married!
Let's get out of here.  Wait!

198
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,400
Great. Are you having doubts
or just a shit?

199
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,440
Profiterole.  Oh, OK.

200
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,920
So the coward mouse was hiding.

201
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,040
I'm not a coward mouse.
I'm a brave mouse.

202
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,400
A mouse is a mouse.

203
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,400
Can we just deal
with one marriage at a time?

204
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:05,160
I will not accept your terms
unless you accept mine.

205
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,800
How can you have terms?
You haven't touched me

206
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,760
in 21 years.  Oh, I didn't want to
hear that.

207
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,560
Yous haven't touched each other
in 21 years?

208
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,680
Welcome to marriage.  Farida, Saif,

209
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,160
should we just talk about
this later?

210
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,280
Because she's not having doubts.

211
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,360
Well, I am now!  Oh, you are?
Oh, well,

212
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,320
that's fantastic. Well done.

213
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,080
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
No. Hold on. Let's just...

214
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,840
Guys, guys, this is all about love.

215
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,520
Let that be a lesson to you.

216
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,200
Where do you think you're going?

217
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,960
I was... I was going to go
and find her.

218
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,760
I'll go and find her.
You're not going anywhere.

219
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,600
I'd listen to him.
Come on, turn yourself around.

220
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,280
Go. Don't embarrass me!

221
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,640
This is a joke.
Oh, completely wasting our time.

222
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,920
Because love always finds a way,
and that's the main thing.

223
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,840
They don't know what they're talking
about.  Just give us a shot.

224
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,760
Who are you talking about?  Remember
we had a Bombay roll

225
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,760
in Birmingham?  Shut up, bastard!

226
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,600
You are making the biggest mistake
of your life.

227
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,960
No, no, don't listen to her.

228
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,160
Just follow your heart.
Yeah, and if your heart wants

229
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,720
to just be friends,
that's also fine.

230
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:17,920
What do you know about hearts?

231
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:21,960
Isaac, please!  Guy's a therapist.
He can help.

232
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,720
Yes! Guy.  Guy.  Yeah, yeah.

233
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:25,840
Huh?

234
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,360
I don't have the answers.

235
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,680
Yeah, you do.

236
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,360
No, I don't.  I thought you said
he'd written a book about this.

237
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,720
Yeah.  Yeah, I have.
And I'm meant to be introducing it,

238
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,640
doing a whole speech about
relationships,

239
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,520
and I don't even know what to say.

240
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,360
I don't know
why we put ourselves through this.

241
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:51,040
You know, maybe it is just a little
bit too hard and it never works,

242
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,880
and we all end up just hurting each
other, and then it's over.

243
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:55,920
So...

244
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:58,520
..there

245
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,800
DOOR BANGS OPEN
Ah!  My girl!

246
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,920
Baby girl.

247
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,200
Come on.

248
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:17,440
Time to get married.

249
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,840
We found the bride, guys. Sit down,
please. Take your seats.

250
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,520
Found the bride, guys. Sit down,
please.

251
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:33,320
Take a seat. It's all right.
She's here now.

252
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,920
WEDDING MARCH BEGINS

253
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,160
All rise.

254
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:40,120
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS

255
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,760
Please be seated.

256
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,760
Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today

257
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,400
to celebrate the union of

258
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:18,280
Cynthia Harris and Gareth Cooper
in marriage.

259
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,800
What has a heterosexual wedding
got to do with this book?

260
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,560
Nothing. Shut it.

261
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:29,520
A marriage is sacred and goes on
from this lifetime to the next.

262
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,760
It is the ultimate...

263
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,560
And you want
to make sure it's really for you,

264
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:42,360
because we should note that there
are three people in this marriage.

265
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,200
Cynthia, Gareth and God.

266
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:49,880
And like God,

267
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,680
you must keep a watchful eye on

268
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,600
the bond and the love

269
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:58,160
that will be forever shared
in eternal marital bliss.

270
00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,160
This is ridiculous. I'm leaving.

271
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,320
You'll be making
a promise to be together in this

272
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,400
life and the next.

273
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,720
If anyone objects to this union,

274
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,880
speak now or forever hold
your peace.

275
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,960
I'd like to say something.

276
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,480
MURMURING

277
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,200
MICROPHONE WHINES
Let go!

278
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,280
I'd like to do an introduction to

279
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:37,080
Guy Harvey's book,
um, Lessons In Love.

280
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,080
Relationships are fundamentally
hopeless.

281
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,200
Let's start there.
I'm going to kill him.

282
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:52,200
You know, you meet someone,
and you feel like your life is fixed

283
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,520
and that there's hope,
and that you can do anything.

284
00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:00,560
And then... Then do you learn that
they like to leave

285
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,520
a party at 10pm.
Or they cry in the shower.

286
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:09,080
Or they think spending £31 on
a hand wash is a normal thing to do.

287
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:14,760
So then come the differences,
the disagreements,

288
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:18,640
the arguments, the compromises.
And then before you know it,

289
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,080
you've basically turned
into your parents,

290
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:24,440
which for most of us means
we're fucked.

291
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:28,080
And then, well, then you're dead.
So...

292
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,400
JAMMA CLEARS HIS THROAT

293
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,280
So why bother?

294
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,640
Because if you didn't...

295
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,880
..you'd be saying no to the
adventure.

296
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:47,920
The adventure of stepping out

297
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,040
of your own world and into
someone else's.

298
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,200
To see not just your own magic,
but theirs.

299
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,760
And realising that someone else

300
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,600
is just as fucked up as you are.

301
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,560
To love and be loved...

302
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:10,680
..that's what shapes us...

303
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,320
..no matter what form it comes in.

304
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:22,920
It's not about finding the one,
or never getting it wrong,

305
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,240
or never hurting each other,

306
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,120
because we probably will.

307
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:34,360
But surely it's just about the joy

308
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,280
of going on a journey with someone.

309
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,680
As the famous successful actress
Farida Jamshidi once said...

310
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,040
..the best journeys
are worth protecting.

311
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:55,320
So please buy the book
and review it well.

312
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:57,840
Thank you.

313
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,600
Well, none of that was in my book.

314
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,920
OK. Well, that wasn't really
an objection,

315
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,680
so let's carry on.

316
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,920
PASTOR CLEARS HIS THROAT

317
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:21,240
Do you take each other
as your lawfully wedded spouses?

318
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,120
I don't!  I don't!

319
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,200
Hmm?  What?

320
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,480
Really? After that speech?

321
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,880
I think I was doing it just
cos my dad wants me to.

322
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,400
Me too. He's terrifying.
What is going on?

323
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,080
Oh, no, no, no!
It's a good thing, Daddy.

324
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,040
I don't want to end up in a sexless
marriage

325
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,800
like the car insurance lady.

326
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,800
She doesn't know what she's saying.
Yes, I do.

327
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,160
Them guys helped talk
some sense into me.

328
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,680
Uh, no. No, no, that's not...
No, that's not what we meant.

329
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:52,120
Those two corrupted my daughter.

330
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,280
Daddy!  Sit down, Lee.

331
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,120
I'm all right.

332
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,040
I'm all right, I'm all right.

333
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,360
I'm going to rip your fucking...

334
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,160
No, no, I'm sorry.  I'll kill them!

335
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,920
Right, right, right!

336
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,520
Shout out to my newly ex.
This next one's a big tune!

337
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,920
MUSIC: Walking On Broken Glass
by Annie Lennox

338
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,880
You're kidding me?!

339
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,120
Gazza?  Yeah?  Will you join me
for our last dance?

340
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,280
I'd be honoured!

341
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,840
Using a heterosexual
wedding to excessively

342
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:28,800
demonstrate how we can all learn
from queer relationship models -

343
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,240
quite frankly, genius.

344
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,560
I look forward to seeing some more,
Mr Gay.

345
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,880


346
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,640
Can I have this dance,
friend?

347
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,560
Please!

348
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,640
Terms and conditions,
signed.

349
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,560
No more fighting?
No more fighting. But if you can't

350
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,080
fulfil my bodily needs,
I will find other sexual partners.

351
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,840
OK.  OK.

352
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:03,480
Singing machine only on weekends.
Weekday.  Weekends and Tuesdays.

353
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,400
Deal.  Deal.

354
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,440
Oh, yes. One more thing...

355
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,640
I'm going to kill you!
Lee, don't get involved!

356
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,280
Nothing? Not even a little bit?

357
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:21,200
No. I'm sorry. You're like my baby
brother's baby brother, you know?

358
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,000
It's weird.
It's like I feel so seen with you.

359
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,960
I don't have that with anyone else.
Yeah, that is friendship.

360
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,160
It's like the world's gone silent

361
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,600
and all I can hear is the ache in
my chest.

362
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,160
That's very artistic.
Thanks.

363
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:40,760
Oh, my gosh, Isaac. That's it.
We've found your trauma.

364
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,280
What?  Heartbreak.

365
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,240
I  am your trauma.

366
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,760
Oh, I need to paint!  Yes!
I am the muse.

367
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,400
Please don't marry Nigel.  What?

368
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,840
Look, I know he's perfect on paper,
but you need someone different.

369
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,920
You need the chaos.
Jamma, why would I marry Nigel?

370
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,600
We should have a conflab
Monday, talk US distributors.

371
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,760
Oh, my God. Have some
self-respect, mate.

372
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,080
I'm sorry?  I'm just going to give it
to you straight, right?

373
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:11,000
Yes, you look great in chinos.
Yes, you know how to carve a turkey.

374
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,920
But he's my guy, not yours!

375
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,680
Anyway, I just came to say goodbye.

376
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,560
I'm taking my wife and kids
for dinner.

377
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,640
Oh.  Wife?  Yeah.

378
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:25,480
What? So are you bisexual or...?
Not that I know of, no.

379
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,800
Well, it was lovely
to meet you, mate. Yeah.

380
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,520
You too. Great speech, by the way.
Oh, thank you.

381
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:35,640
What a lovely man.

382
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:41,440
So I'm your guy, am I?
Sorry, I meant travelling companion.

383
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:45,960
Come here.

384
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,320
CHEERING

385
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:56,480

glass

386
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,400


387
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,160

I'm walking on glass

388
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,640


389
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,600


390
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,760
MUSIC FADES

391
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,080
Hell of a view.

392
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:45,600
MUSIC: Juice Theme "Shik Ma Van"
by Juice House Band